Update:

For the first time in like... 8 years I have told a woman I love her, and meant it.


This is the greatest day ever.

She said it BACK!!!


YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HAAHHAHAHAHAHEHHEHEHEHE!!!

Freeform 201

Aint done free form, thoughtless writing in a long time. Be forewarned, whatever comes next is completely spontaneous.


Glad hand clasped in a contened nook;
and the records show what we gave, not what we've took.

I laugh and sing with me of past
and remember how I once thought childhood would 'ere last.

Im a sadder man, but wiser too
And whos too say whether more or less a fool.

Smoking death and steaming rain,
Headlights flash and I can't help but revel in the pain.


I don't know what that means, don't know what this means. I can sense its something important, but im unmoved by myself. Thats something quite ordinary in fact, my utter deadpan expression and expectations when it comes to myself.


If I've done, or do something wrong-please tell me. If I say or said something stupid- please educate me. I am naught but an ignorant oaf and should no one learn me the ways of love and life, I shall remain such.


Okay, im done... Enough of that.

The Pipes are Calling

Thousands of years of human social evolution has led us to this point.


For anyone whos actually dumb enough to be reading this, don't get me wrong. I am a VERY very VERY happy person. I am upbeat, funny, and most things dont bother me.

But this is my blog, this is where I scream my insecurities, failings, and hates upon the world. Please, if you don't like it shove off.

But, like I was saying... Well, no... Im onto something else now.


Where am I?

Im in the middle of nowhere... And All I see for miles is stalks of grain reaching skyward... (I am not describing my location).

Day 2 of the New Era.

I can't believe this blogs been up three years. Its amazing to go back and read who I used to be before my life went to shit, who I was WHILE it was shit, and who I a now that I am older, wiser, and in a totally different place.

If I could change anything? It would be that night I let Kellen get me drunk. I started smoking cigarettes within a month, weed within the semester, and soon my GPA had dropped like a stone from the heavens.

I don't blame Kellen, he's a good guy. I just want to know how I let all that crap happen so fast, just boom boom boom!

I wish I could see what sort of person I would be had I never taken up 'The Vices' of college life. What sort of white washed, naive fool would I be today? I bet I'd be in an office somewhere, deluding myself into thinking I was a bigshot because I, just like every other person around me, has a business degree.

Or maybe I WOULD have gone to Law School.


We live in a society run by businessmen and lawyers. I am so proud that I am not one. I am a working schlub with a healthy, but diminishing, amount of Debt and a Job that is about as secure as Fort Knox.


I'm still not completely happy with life, no one ever is are they? Soon I will be OUT of debt and then going right back in as I take up online courses to fill out my degree.

Yes... I fully plan to get a degree. I started college, I will have SOMETHING to show for my time there.

An old thought has come back... Its always been there, but never very prevalent in my thoughts. I really think I want to be a Teacher...

I make about 40 grand a year... Why would I want to go and pay for more education and get a job that makes roughly the same or less. (And thats before you take into account the additional financial cost of rejoining human society).

*shrug* This is a Job. Being a Trucker gets me paid and keeps me busy. I could do this for 20 years, retire, and have enough money to be happy until I die.

But.... (And I don't know how to finish this thought.... So this is where I sign off).

One year, five months, 17 days.

Since last contact was made here.

In that time I have gotten over just about everything in my life. I think.

My finances are under control, any lingering alcohol problems I have are safely under wraps, and I have realized that dropping out/failing college does not equate to failing life.


I am 22 years old and I make about 40 grand a year. Whats so bad about that?



I am so sick of being Alone. I want it all... I want a loving woman to hold and to be held by, I want laughing kids to teach and be taught by, and I want friends, real and physical to interact and be interacted with.

What do I need to do to find love and happiness? What? GOD DAMN IT WHAT?!

Why the fuck can't I ever rise above fucking contentedness. FUCK THAT. I am SICK of having to choose between god damned Depression or FUCKING Contentedness.

I WANT HAPPINESS, I WANT LOVE, I WANT PASSION, AND I WANT TEARS OF GOD DAMNED JOY!


Im literally shaking in frustration. Or exhaustion...

Its been a long 34 hours, im going to bed.