Update:

For the first time in like... 8 years I have told a woman I love her, and meant it.


This is the greatest day ever.

She said it BACK!!!


YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HAAHHAHAHAHAHEHHEHEHEHE!!!

Freeform 201

Aint done free form, thoughtless writing in a long time. Be forewarned, whatever comes next is completely spontaneous.


Glad hand clasped in a contened nook;
and the records show what we gave, not what we've took.

I laugh and sing with me of past
and remember how I once thought childhood would 'ere last.

Im a sadder man, but wiser too
And whos too say whether more or less a fool.

Smoking death and steaming rain,
Headlights flash and I can't help but revel in the pain.


I don't know what that means, don't know what this means. I can sense its something important, but im unmoved by myself. Thats something quite ordinary in fact, my utter deadpan expression and expectations when it comes to myself.


If I've done, or do something wrong-please tell me. If I say or said something stupid- please educate me. I am naught but an ignorant oaf and should no one learn me the ways of love and life, I shall remain such.


Okay, im done... Enough of that.

The Pipes are Calling

Thousands of years of human social evolution has led us to this point.


For anyone whos actually dumb enough to be reading this, don't get me wrong. I am a VERY very VERY happy person. I am upbeat, funny, and most things dont bother me.

But this is my blog, this is where I scream my insecurities, failings, and hates upon the world. Please, if you don't like it shove off.

But, like I was saying... Well, no... Im onto something else now.


Where am I?

Im in the middle of nowhere... And All I see for miles is stalks of grain reaching skyward... (I am not describing my location).

Day 2 of the New Era.

I can't believe this blogs been up three years. Its amazing to go back and read who I used to be before my life went to shit, who I was WHILE it was shit, and who I a now that I am older, wiser, and in a totally different place.

If I could change anything? It would be that night I let Kellen get me drunk. I started smoking cigarettes within a month, weed within the semester, and soon my GPA had dropped like a stone from the heavens.

I don't blame Kellen, he's a good guy. I just want to know how I let all that crap happen so fast, just boom boom boom!

I wish I could see what sort of person I would be had I never taken up 'The Vices' of college life. What sort of white washed, naive fool would I be today? I bet I'd be in an office somewhere, deluding myself into thinking I was a bigshot because I, just like every other person around me, has a business degree.

Or maybe I WOULD have gone to Law School.


We live in a society run by businessmen and lawyers. I am so proud that I am not one. I am a working schlub with a healthy, but diminishing, amount of Debt and a Job that is about as secure as Fort Knox.


I'm still not completely happy with life, no one ever is are they? Soon I will be OUT of debt and then going right back in as I take up online courses to fill out my degree.

Yes... I fully plan to get a degree. I started college, I will have SOMETHING to show for my time there.

An old thought has come back... Its always been there, but never very prevalent in my thoughts. I really think I want to be a Teacher...

I make about 40 grand a year... Why would I want to go and pay for more education and get a job that makes roughly the same or less. (And thats before you take into account the additional financial cost of rejoining human society).

*shrug* This is a Job. Being a Trucker gets me paid and keeps me busy. I could do this for 20 years, retire, and have enough money to be happy until I die.

But.... (And I don't know how to finish this thought.... So this is where I sign off).

One year, five months, 17 days.

Since last contact was made here.

In that time I have gotten over just about everything in my life. I think.

My finances are under control, any lingering alcohol problems I have are safely under wraps, and I have realized that dropping out/failing college does not equate to failing life.


I am 22 years old and I make about 40 grand a year. Whats so bad about that?



I am so sick of being Alone. I want it all... I want a loving woman to hold and to be held by, I want laughing kids to teach and be taught by, and I want friends, real and physical to interact and be interacted with.

What do I need to do to find love and happiness? What? GOD DAMN IT WHAT?!

Why the fuck can't I ever rise above fucking contentedness. FUCK THAT. I am SICK of having to choose between god damned Depression or FUCKING Contentedness.

I WANT HAPPINESS, I WANT LOVE, I WANT PASSION, AND I WANT TEARS OF GOD DAMNED JOY!


Im literally shaking in frustration. Or exhaustion...

Its been a long 34 hours, im going to bed.

And Another post!

i know that, eventually, someones gonna think 'i wonder if rem ever signed onto the internet' and look here. Who, i dunno. At the moment im just talking to myself and this computer, and thats fine.

Here's a couple things about myself i've realized lately, things no one else would probably see- if there were even ppl to see.

1- i don't smile as much anymore
2- i dont get as mad as much anymore either.
3- my head is held a little bit higher these days.
4- my mind a little bit clearer.
5- my regrets are fewer and fewer
6- while i have no one to physically interact with on a daily basis, im not as lonely as i use to be.
7- i have a pride in my heart that, i feel, can only be attained by walking through the fire and being burnt.
8- temptations aren't so tempting these days.

there are others, but i get my point.

recoup

yesterdays post was kida... grandiose and... i unno... im over it.

ive been on the net all day, getting in touch with old friends, and loving it. i miss the feel of a keyboard under my hand. lol.

anyway. i think im just gonna have to follow myself into the dark. if ya know what i mean, you dont... and i dont wanna explain my mood. sometimes i just miss the innocence i use to have.



i want to do 1 heroic thing before i die.

Life, the universe, and everthing.

yes, i just plaigerized that wonderful work,you all know who its by.

Anyway, small update. sorta.

I am now an official trucker.-got a t-shirt and a hat and everything.... oh yeah, got a truck too, lol.

got a haircut the other day, now my beard is twice as long as my hair.... i think it makes me look kinda amish, but a bad ass kind of leave no prisoners trucker amish. lol

Anyway. ill be returning to the land of the living, aka the cyber-verse, in about 4-5 days, got a 1500$ paycheck coming up and instead of paying bills imma get a laptop.

speaking of bills, more impotantly- college bills- and more importantly still-college.... i shall now rant a few moments


if you had told me in may '04 that in 3 years i would have been dropped out of college for a year, and be a trucker by this time '07 i would have called you a damn liar. i had dreams damn it, i had plans....


well, plans change, dreams become reality become life. im not gonna apologize for my life choices.... i smoked weed, i drank liquor, i played poker and counter strike all day and night for weeks on end, i refused to study, i didnt go to class..... i got myself into a positon where it was either drop out of college, or take out more loans than i was comfortable getting out.

i played dnd 3 times a week, played xbox and read philip dick all day... went to the wyrd meetings and hung out - high as fuck - with the frat boys.

i lived life for about 6 months- to a year like it was meant to be lived. foot loose and fancy free.... and my life turned upside down. i found yself working for 6.45 an hour 30 hours a week at fucking walmart. found myself in a depression sodeep that a bullet to the brain souunded like a good idea sometimes .


i found myself seperated from the ppl i had come - in a wayy- to love like brothers, and contact all but severed. and my 21st birthdayy was coming around. my father was telling me either to get a job -because i had long since quit walmart- or to move out....

so i did both. took out another loan to go to trucking school, skip ahead 4 months and here we are.


everyonce in a while ill get a bit depressed at the wway my life had turned out.... but then i realize... im living a life where im payed to drive across america all day. i love america, love it a little bit more each day the more i see of it. those utah mountains, the bears and moose and streams in montana, those blue skies of oregon, the trees of washington, tthe desert sands of arizona, and the great salt lake itself. i pass by the grad canyon and numerous other tourist landmarks on a daily basis. i carry the freight that keeps america alive... toilet paper, food, manufacturing goods.... all of it goes through me...

ive always wanted to be part of sommething, to be impotant... and though 99.9% of you ppl out there dont appreciate the lifestyle and sacrifice we truckers make.... its all worth itt.

this is one of the most unhealthy lfestyles in america... sitting all day with nothing more to do than smoke and eat... never getting to see family or friends...

personally, however, its doing good... its given my life discipline and a goal that ive always lacked... get from point a to b with no fucking around in between.... ive almost cut my smoking down to halfmy normal, ive lost 20 pounds, my eyes are clear and my mind is soothed.



through it all, theres been a group of guys who i owe a debt. the memory and the desire to get back to them has pushed me, at times. to the guys at legends- yall are like brothers, and especially to dmf- cant wait til i make it down to maryland.


not everyone i knew as friends have stayed beside me. there are those who, for whatever reason, have all but left my life. it saddens me in a way when i think of the memories and the fun we had in our day- and the complete lack of presence they have in the water-paint of my life these days.

oh well i guess, people move on, and i shall do the same, if i already havnt.


i have to apologize for the errors and such in my typing. im using a company terminal usually used to check payroll and such, i figured out how to hack it so as to get onto the actual internet, instead of the swift network. hehe...

Wassup.

The Ps3 has launched, and a minimal number of ppl were shot.

I'm watching xplay, and 2 of the 4 ps3 launch titles (not be be confused with the 9 other cross platform games) have gotten 2/5's... and i laugh at any of you stupid bastards paying either 600, or the hordes of 1000's payed on ebay.

highest price sold as of last night was 9500. dumbasses. dumbasses all around.

xplay is reviewing the ps3 gundam game while i write this, and they are ripping it a new asshole. HAH! to any of you who thought sony would live up to its promises.

reports were coming in that the ps3 doesnt even work on its highest settings. tsk tsk.

HAH!

Mobile suit gundam: crossfire got a 1/5

so thus far, playstation 3's game have gotten a score of 5/15. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

resistance is going to get at least a 4, prolly a 5 momentarily. but meh.

GO WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

erm. ill ttyl.