Life... choices....

Well... ive been in college almost 2 years, and its becomingless and less likely that i will be here for a 3rd.

Truth time...

Im the one who fucked up, sure, ill admit that. Not going to class, procrastinating on course work, and simple apathy have all lead me to this point.

2- I don't like college, i like the college life sure, but i am tired of the monotony of institutionalized education. Look, i am 20 years old and have been in school for 16 of those, thats bullshit. Im fuckin sick and tired of this life, im ready to move on...

2.b- Ready to move on... I doubt that entails traveling the world and seeing things, doing exotic things... Probably simply applies to getting a 9-5 job at kroger or some shit and experiencing the same feelings of loathing and melodrama.... But whatever

3-What dreams may come? I have things i want to do, that i COULD be doing in college, but amidst the distractions and the apathy, i can't seem to bring myself to go about it...
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Dunno what that list was about, but now its rant time...

Look, its like this. People are lead to believe that college is the only way to make it in this world, and truthfully i was deluded by that sentiment for the longest time. Now i realize different. I look at my own life first. When i got here i had dreams of getting a degree in political science and such, now i ask myself why? I thought i'd become a world politik, significant to something or other... WHY?! i can no longer grasp the sensation or motivation that once drove me through life...

As ive gone through these 2 years of hellish apathy, my dreams, true dreams, dreams from years ago... Dreams i put away under stress from parents and advisors that they werent applicable dreams.. Dreams that died, giving way to me want to become a fuckin politician. I realize now, i hate politics... I do... Fuck it all...

My new/old dreams that have resurfaces include writing, programming, singing, and stand up. I have waking dreams all the time of my just standing on a stage, doing stand up comedy, or singing, although i know that those dreams aren't very probable... I cant sing, and my jokes are usually funny to an in crowd of people who know what the hell im talking about half the time....

I want to write books, always did. I use to write short stories and poetry in high school, yeah i was one of THOSE types. And i miss that. Sure my artistic flair back then was overblown by arrogance, but at least i was doing something i loved, even if it was horrible...

Programming... Maybe everyone knows brian hardy, or more probable, he's one of 2 ppl who will actually read this... lol... Mr. hardy came to college wanting to spend his time learning how to program video games and such... Know what they got him doing? Programming a "wait in line at the bank" simulation for his cs class... Shit like that just blows my mind when theirs just so many damned viable alternatives which would actually be.... well.... the opposite of stabbing your self in the brain numb....

Anyway, before i even got in college i was disenfranchised with the programming/cs field. Found out math was a big part of it, and out of self- preservation i dropped cs from my reperatoire, cuz i will fail a math class, hands down. I silently put my dreams away of creating the next halo game... Of writing these master plots, and then using my own 2 hands to bring to life what was in my own damn mind.... I gave up...

Recently however, i've found alternatives to institutionalized programming to get me on that path, and if i keep the faith, and the motivation, i might actually be able to do something WORTH something in this world...

I find it funny that between me and my 2 roommates, one of us dropped cs before we got in college, one dropped it after a few semesters of college, and the third is toying with the idea of dropping it.... And this is going to a university with one of the best cs programs around, eh?




Anyway... i dunno... My parents are gonna be pissed to no end at me if i manage to fail out of college. Truth be told, i only slightly care. I mean, i got to college on my own merits, didn't borrow or take any of my parents money, not that they have any, to pay for college... I figure my choices, at this point, are my own damned perogative... Sorry mom and dad... But yo baby boy has grown up, im my own damned man, with my own choices to make, pro or con, consequences be damned...

in closing


I WANT MY DREAMS BACK!!!

i miss the innocence of childhood and the belief that you can do anything if only you hold fast to those dreams... Perhaps thats where i went wrong... i let go...